My Secret Garden

My "Open Sesame"

Way before writing Tori Amos a 10 page handwritten letter on that city bus from San Francisco to San Jose, where it landed in the hands of her then, personal chef, Duncan Pickford, which inspired a relationship with the both of them & pulled me onto their tour bus & into her home in Cornwall, England…

BEFORE leaving a dozen long stemmed roses & a CDR of my very first demo, backstage at a Rickie Lee Jones concert, which got Rickie Lee’s attention & an invitation to join her on stage in Silver Lake, Los Angeles… I learned the power of my words & truth & how they could “Open Sesame” bigger doors of opportunity that i wanted to swing open for me.

As a little boy, i always dreamt of being on Broadway.

My mother, i will always be grateful for, for leading the way into the many sonic landscapes of not only singer/songwriters such as James Taylor, Neil Young, Nanci Griffith, Janis Ian, Joni Mitchell, but also Broadway Musical’s & Opera.

I remember like it was yesterday, sitting next to my mother, watching Madame Butterfly sink a blade into her chest, committing suicide because of a love she thought she lost. Watching my mother cry was like witnessing the Northern Lights, as that blade already consecrated it’s decision, as Madame Butterfly’s lover enters the stage… too late to save her life.

A few years later, at 13 years old, my mother & I took a trip into New York City, from the Adirondack Mountains, to see the Broadway musical “The Who’s, TOMMY” - a psychedelic journey about a “deaf, mute & blind boy” who experiences physical & sexual abuse at the hands of the people he should have been able to trust. Tommy was not born deaf, mute & blind, but later, became them, because of a horrific murder he witnessed between his father & his mother’s lover, at 5 years old. This musical spin on complex trauma & the effects of it, not only gave me goosebumps while in that audience but sparked a fire so big inside of me, i knew i needed to be a part of something that prolific.. that moving… that i needed to somehow get on that stage & speak with the cast, myself.

“I dont think they’ll allow us backstage, Joshua” my mother replied, as i was pulling her by the hand to the backstage door of the St. James Theater, after the performance.

“Just follow me, Mom!”

I was determined & ready.

As soon as we got to the backstage door, a group of other audience members were surrounding it, for autographs from the cast.

One by one, the backstage door would open, as slowly & surely, cast members were beginning to spill out, on their way home.

I waited for a kind face… clutching my mother’s hand… someone i knew would recognize ours & possibly take me & my mother backstage.

As soon as i saw the man’s face (a stranger i took my chances on) I immediately ran up to him & spoke my “Open Sesame”

“Hello, Im Joshua… and this is my mom, Pat. Do you think that YOU could bring me backstage?!”

The actor smiled warmly & looked at me & my mother & immediately stated “Follow me!”

My mother was in awe. “Open Sesame” she whispered.

Passed the security & the line of adoring fans, we were smuggled into & through the backstage door, following the cast member i intuitively tapped on & selected to be our leader. He was incredibly sincere, his face freshly scrubbed of the makeup of that night’s performance & as he led us through the corridor & passed the many costumes & dressing rooms for the cast, with my tiny hand inside of my mother’s.. we were escorted onto the St. James Theater stage, where we were exactly where i wanted to be… center stage & under those blazing lights.

As my mother thanked the actor for manifesting my wish… i dissolved on that stage & embodied my future on it. As soon as i took my eyes off of the many empty chairs of the audience, i could see myself reflected inside of the mirror that was a main character in the play itself. That very same mirror was where Tommy stared blankly inside of it, pulling up the image of himself, as an adult.. on the other side of it… looking back at his younger & traumatized self.

"See Me
Feel Me
Touch Me
Heal Me..”

Sings Tommy, in the play.

“Listening to you, I get the music
Gazing at you, I get the heat
Following you, I climb the mountain
I get excitement at your feet

Right behind you, I see the millions
On you, I see the glory
From you, I get opinion
From you, I get the story”

I suddenly was Tommy… standing between a pinball arcade game & the reflecting see-through glass which reflected my 13 year old self, standing in the middle of this waking dream.

“See me, Joshua” I thought.

“Feel me. Touch me. Heal me.”

Again my mother’s tears, the magnificent Northern Lights.

I wish i knew how & where to contact that cast member that took us by surprise & onto that St. James Theater stage.. to let him know, he sparked a bonfire inside of me… a cataclysmic bang that would become the man i am today.

. . .

That moment in time, became many others as my mother escorted me to the performance of the musical, The Secret Garden, only a few short months after seeing “Tommy”

At 14, I was enthralled by this performance & the idea of a hidden, secret garden, where the children were the main characters & the reason for turning a garden of death, (no longer tended by the adults it was owned by & left to wither & rot, hidden behind an overgrown & locked door…) where it’s main character, Mary Lennox, found it’s skeleton key, to then spark life back into it… encouraging her neglected & handicapped cousin, Colin, to come out of the shadows of his created “disease” & into that Secret Garden, to spring life back into it & both of them.

As a Jehovah’s Witness kid, this story reflected my very own… determined to find the key of everlasting life, through the Jehovah’s Witness Belief System of a “new system” a “paradise on earth” which takes place as soon as we survive Jehovah’s impending Armageddon.

As soon as i saw this Broadway musical performance & was back home in the Adirondacks, I wrote a handwritten letter to a NYC address I had found in the back of the Secret Gardens playbill, stating it was an address for the Casting Director.

I again, was determined… trying to write myself out of my childhood Jehovah’s Witness upbringing, isolated in those upstate mountains, buried inside of that kingdom hall filled with lies, secrets & betrayal… where Broadway’s call was a distant & blazing star… a tiny seed for a boy like me, hidden in a dangerous & very poisonous apple.

The moment i shockingly received my letters reply from the Secret Garden’s Casting Director, weeks later… And as i was jumping up & down in complete disbelief when i read that they had received my handwritten letter, inviting me to the casting & audition for the play’s character, Colin… I could feel my mother’s worry.

My mother & father were standing before me in that upstate, NY kitchen. She was holding the letter in one hand… as i was holding the sheet music to the musical’s song, (sang by Colin) “Round-Shouldered Man” in mine.

“But Bruce, this is a very serious audition in NYC & look… IF he gets this part, he will be going on tour with them, to Japan!”

Fear started to cloak me, like Armageddon.

“I’ll go with him!” stated my father.

I was shocked by my father’s bravery. For the first time in my life, he wasn’t hiding in his bedroom, asleep on the many pills that was keeping his PTSD & flashbacks of the Vietnam War, at bay. He was actually standing up for me & pushing back on my mother’s fear of the unknown & what the Jehovah’s Witnesses might say.

“Let him TRY. We’ve got nothing to lose.”

My mother was disarmed by his bravery.

That very moment, he pulled me into my bedroom, where we listened to the song that was asked of me to audition with & within that hour, i was repeatedly singing it to memorize it’s melody & structure. My father, it’s director.

The very next week, the both of them, drove me down & into the big apple, where we arrived at the address on Broadway & took an elevator to one of it’s highest floors.

In the car, on the way down, i could hear my mother speaking of her fears to my father & a line which came from her mouth, which i could never forget.

A line which was stolen from the Jehovah’s Witnesses before.

“There are so many homosexuals on Broadway. So much AIDS, in this industry. Im scared, Bruce.”

As nasty as this comment sounds, you must understand the fear & rationalization behind it. I certainly did. The AIDS epidemic had just taken place & the entire world was afraid of the homosexual lifestyle, needless to say the Jehovah’s Witnesses.

My mother was not wrong to express such fears… brainwashed & diluted by the Jehovah’s Witness spell that all of us were under… and she did not think that i was listening.

But my father, kept right on driving… straight into that poisonous apple which would possibly catapult us out of the world we were all hiding in. Our family, a traumatized & persecuted Holocaust.

“Joshua Bley?” i heard my name being called into the audition room, where a smaller boy in size was exiting.. smiling like a new president.

“you can do this!” my father encouraged. My mother kissing me on the cheek, trembling like the branch of the tree she has always been for me.

AND I DID.

Within seconds, the piano in the room was playing the song that i was asked to perform… as i stared nervously at the 3 faces behind a casting table at the other side of the audition’s room.

It felt like only a few seconds & my song & audition was done. I was baffled with my loss of space & time.. as i disassociated from myself & taken into the arms of Broadways possibility. I felt paralyzed by fear & wonder.

“Thank you, so much, Joshua, for taking the time to come to this audition, but we are sad to find out, that you are too tall for this part of Colin. Your voice is so beautiful… but we cannot offer you the part.”

In all honesty, I WAS RELIEVED. and i knew my mother was going to be, too… which alchemized my disappointment of not getting the part, to a “i cant wait to tell this story to my friends, back home”

My father, i could tell, was incredibly disappointed. but all of us exited that building & poured back onto the NYC streets… where i knew, this wasn’t going to be my last chance of opportunity… and i wasnt going to let a NO stop me from believing in all of the YES’s that were headed my way.

You cannot dim a blazing star.

And snuffing one out… is never a possibility.

Lead us to a secret & locked door…

We are bound to find it’s skeleton key.

x